Psychology Archives - Lisette Zeeuw M.Sc. - Psychologist in Barcelona

The 5 biggest Myths about Sex

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Lisette Zeeuw — 2 Comments ↓

We talk about sex a lot. But what do we really talk about? Maybe about whom we had sex with, what we did, or where. But we rarely talk about the more interesting stuff. Those beliefs we have but we’re afraid to share, or those questions we never ask. I belief this is caused by the many many taboos that still surround sex.

That’s why I think it’s time to talk about sexual myths. In this article I will explain some of the 5 biggest myths about sex that I see in my sessions.

1. All women can have an orgasm through penetration

This is a widespread belief. However, it is not true. Don’t worry if you’ve never had an orgasm through penetration. Only 30% of all women is able to orgasm through penetration. The rest of women need clitoral stimulation to be able to orgasm. The funny thing is that a vaginal orgasm is actually also a clitoral orgasm. How come?

The clitoris is relatively big. The back of the clitoris reaches the vaginal wand. This is why during penetration you can feel a pleasurable sensation. Logically though, the front part of the clitoris has way more nerve endings than the back part. That’s why it’s easier and more frequent to have a clitoral orgasm.

2. If you love your partner enough, you should know what he/she likes

This is one of those thoughts that we don’t speak about. It is similar to: “good sex should happen magically”. We usually think that it is stupid not to know how to please our partner. Or that it’s annoying for our partner to hear that he/she could change something. This is why many people struggle to have passionate sex.

But knowing what our partner likes has nothing to do with how much we love them. Sex is like learning a new language. You have to get to know the words to form a phrase. And you have to expand your vocabulary to reach the other person. In order to learn what your partner likes you have to ask him/her and get to know him/her better. Every person is different and every person has different tastes and a different body. And talking about these things can be very exciting. Your partner might be happy you bring up the subject!

3. Men are always in the mood

Many women think that men are always in the mood. However, as for women this is not true. Men, just like women, have ups and downs in their sexual desire. That’s why I think it’s time to take away some of the pressure on men. Men can also feel just like hugging or cuddling. And they have feelings too! They can be tired, moody or they might just want to do other things.

Moreover, it’s also possible for women to have a bigger desire than men. I think that the important thing is to discuss your wishes with your partner and try to make it work together.

4. I should give my partner sex

Hearing this phrase makes me feel really bad. I think it parts from so many wrong premises; The fact that sex is not enjoyable for you. The fact that sex is a right. Sex should be enjoyable for the both of you. If you feel like this is something you should give to your partner, you’re definitely not having fun. Also, please remember that your body is yours and yours only.

Furthermore, I think it’s important to ask yourself why you’re not enjoying sex right now. Maybe there are things you would like to change about your sex life. For example you could agree with your partner on the things you like or the timing you both prefer. However, if sex hasn’t been good for you for a while, it might be a good idea to see a sex therapist.

What is important to know though, is that sometimes it does work to fake it (your mood that is) until you make it. Sometimes we don’t feel like having sex but when we’re at it for a while, our body and mind respond and we can still have a good time. Try to figure out what the cause of your lack of desire is and try to work on improving it. A sex therapist can help you with this.

5. Coming simultaneously is the best (and only) way to come

This is one of those myths that has been going around forever. In nearly every movie and every book you’ll see the protagonists coming at the same time. This is not reality though. First of all, it is not easy to come on the same time. You would have to plan it carefully. And also, most people differ in the amount of time they need to orgasm. So one of you would have to wait. This could just become a little bit artificial.

Second of all, there is really no benefit in coming together. Trying to come at the same moment takes your attention away from enjoying the moment. I think this is such a shame, and I think we should really ban this myth.

Let’s break the taboos!

Like I said in the beginning of this article, there are still many taboos around sex. I find it my mission to talk about them and discuss them openly. I hope you found the article helpful. Feel free to share it!

If you would like to ask questions about sex in a taboo free environment, feel free to call me: +34 616 341 631, or message me through the contact form.

How can I Improve my Quality of Sleep?

Posted on April 27, 2015 by Lisette Zeeuw — 2 Comments ↓

Do you ever wake up feeling like you haven’t slept at all? Is your sleep not refreshing? This might indicate that you’re having a problem with your Quality of Sleep. In my recent post: “How to make an end to your Insomnia”, I explained how you can stop the vicious circle of insomnia.

In this post I’ll cover how to maintain good sleeping habits or “sleep hygiene”.

Even though we sleep one-third of our life, many people don’t know what they have to do to sleep well. In this article I’ll therefore explain how you can improve your Quality of Sleep.

Go to bed on the same time of the day, every day

Our body is quite sensitive to changes in schedules, especially with regard to sleeping schedules. Pick a moment on the day in which you are normally sleepy and stick to it. It can also help to start a sleeping ritual (for example, read something, take a hot shower or bath, dressing your pajama’s, brush your teeth etc.) in order for your body to get ready for sleeping. You will see how your body will prepare you for bedtime, by lowering your body temperature and closing your eyelids more and more. All this helps you in order to fall asleep better and more deeply.

Reject sleeping medication

Sleeping medication is highly addictive and has a lot of negative side effects. Sleep medication will leave you drowsy during the day, and it’s not effective in improving your quality of sleep in the long run. If you need sleeping aids, you could discuss melatonin supplements with your doctor. Melatonin supplements can reset your biological clock and can help you to fall asleep. They have no negative side effects, and are part of our natural sleep-wake system.

There are cases in which sleep medication is necessary,for example in the case of psychosis or temporary severe sleep disturbances. However, sleep medication should always be prescribed by a doctor and for a period of 2 weeks or less. If this is not the case it is better to stay away from sleep medication or to discuss your medication with your doctor again.

Leave your worries to a journal

When you go to bed with your head full of memories from the past day, it can be difficult to fall asleep. Also, you might dream restlessly. Journaling can be a great way to organise your thoughts and leave your worries behind. When you write something down you have to bring structure to what happened to you. This can already help you to make more sense of it and let it go.

Exercise during the day

It has been shown in various scientific studies that exercising during the day improves our sleep. Exercise helps in releasing the stress hormone cortisol from your body, which makes it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep. Try to exercise at least 3 hours before going to bed, so you avoid having to go to bed excited.

Excercising helps to push out the stress hormone cortisol of your body, thereby improving your Quality of Sleep.

Make sure you get enough sunlight

We humans are like plants. When we don’t get enough sunlight during the day, we don’t feel well.This is caused by a lack of Vitamin D and melatonin. Melatonin is especially important for a good night of sleep, since it regulates when you get tired and if you can sleep throughout the night. Your doctor can give you information on vitamin D and melatonin supplements if necessary. Also, if you live in area with a lack of sunlight you can consider buying a day-light therapy lamp.

However, the best way to procure you gain enough sunlight is to be outside at least for 30 minutes a day. This even works if the sun is not shining because there is still more light intensity (lux) than when we stay inside. When you’re outside try to roll up you’re sleeves so the sun can touch your skin directly (obviously you can apply sun screen beforehand).

Avoid caffeine after 2 pm

Caffeine takes 8 hours to get out of our blood. This means that if you drink a cup of coffee around 8pm, your brain will be more active until 4am at night! This is why drinking caffeine after 2pm is not a good idea if you want to improve your quality of sleep. If you’re a coffee lover, try decaf coffee.

Do a relaxing activity before going to sleep

We have a tendency of not stopping nowadays, but your body needs some time to wind off before going to bed. You can read a book, take a bath, get a relaxing massage or do a relaxation exercise.

Winding off by doing a relaxing activity like reading can help us to calm down before going to bed.

Avoid alcohol or marihuana as an aid to fall asleep

Drinking alcohol or smoking marihuana to fall asleep is like putting a band-aid on a flat tire. It might help you temporarily to fall asleep, but during the night you will wake up more frequently and your REM-sleep will be interrupted. Therefore it is important to limit alcohol to one to two drinks per day and marihuana to one or two joints per week, or less, and to avoid drinking and smoking within three hours of going to bed.

Don’t eat heavy meals before going to bed

Heavy meals take a long time to digest. During digestion, the body spends energy on processing the meal, and moving it forward through the body. This process interferes with our sleep. The fatter and heavier the meal, the longer it takes. If you eat a heavy meal, avoid doing this within two hours of going to bed.

Get pets out of the bedroom

It is very cute to have your pet sleeping on your feet, belly, or back. However, having pets in the bedroom disrupts your sleep, and makes you wake up more often. If you can, try to keep your pets out of the bedroom.

Don’t try to fall asleep while listening to music or the television

Even though calming music or the television can help you to calm down, it interferes with your quality of sleep by preventing you to reach the deeper sleep stages. The deepest sleep stages are most important to help us recover during the night. Listening to some soft music before going to bed can be a good idea though.

Listening to some relaxing soft music before going to bed can be part of your sleeping ritual. Avoid music while going to sleep though

Practice a relaxation technique

Relaxation techniques are awesome! They help you to reduce anxiety and stress, and they’re a great help in calming down before going to bed. You can try to take deep and slow abdominal breaths, or do some yoga or meditation exercise.

Quality of sleep can be more important than quantity of sleep. That’s why I wrote this article. I hope you’ll find these tips helpful and that you will notice some improvement in your Quality of Sleep.

Please share the article with your friends and family :)!

What is Social Anxiety?

Posted on February 23, 2015 by Lisette Zeeuw — Leave a reply

Feeling nervous when you meet someone new, sweaty hands when you have to ask your boss something, being afraid to tell others what you really think: these are all examples of Social Anxiety.

Many people might have heard about Social Anxiety, but don’t know what it is exactly.Therefore, in this blog post I’ll explain what Social Anxiety is, how you can recognise it, and in which situations Social Anxiety is most common.

What is Social Anxiety?

Social Anxiety is the fear of being judged negatively by others. If you have Social Anxiety you’re highly self-conscious. This means that you’re constantly thinking about what others might think of you. Also, you prepare thoroughly what you’ll be saying in conversations, in order to cause a good impression. Furthermore you can prepare a meeting with friends for days or weeks.

Also, when you’re around other people you might have physical symptoms like sweating, trembling, blushing, or tightness in the chest. When you’re around other people, you might focus more on their “performance” then on the interaction with the other person. This can cause you to have problems concentrating, and you might actually give a worse impression because of this. If some of these symptoms are common in you, then you might suffer from Social Anxiety.

Symptoms of Social Anxiety

If you suffer from Social Anxiety you might recognize the following symptoms:

You’re anxious or really nervous when you’re around other people
You’re very afraid that other people might judge you and that they might think negatively of you.
You’re highly self-conscious in front of other people.
You’re anxious when you have to perform in front of others.
You can worry and/or prepare yourself for days or weeks before a social event.
You stay away from places or events with other people.
You blush, sweat, tremble, or feel tightness around the chest when you’re with other people.
You focus so much on your own performance during conversations with others that you have difficulties concentrating.

What happens when you have Social Anxiety?

It is quite common to experience Social Anxiety. Think about having to give a presentation, or introducing yourself to someone you don’t know yet. Most people would at least be a little bit nervous in this situation. If you have Social Anxiety, your presentation might go somewhat like this:

You walk on stage. You check the faces of your colleagues briefly because you’re already feeling overwhelmed. Now they’re still looking interested, but soon they might see what a failure you are. You look closely at your presentation cards, sure that you will forget everything once you open your mouth.

The only thing you can think about is that you’re going to make many mistakes and that everyone will notice. You start sweating and see how your hands are trembling. You’re sure that everyone will notice. You’re afraid of getting a blackout and not being able to say anything. Once you introduce yourself, you see that your colleague Karen is not paying you attention.

You say to yourself “you see, no one is interested in your presentation, you should have picked another subject”. When at the end of your presentation everybody’s clapping, you think they’re only doing this out of pity. They’ve all seen how you were stuttering. The only thing on your mind is that your boss might fire you, because of this horrible presentation…

Social Anxiety can affect you on many levels

As you can see, Social Anxiety can affect you on many levels:

You think that others will criticize you or think of you negatively. Even though others don’t say anything, you already think that they are criticizing you.

You don’t belief in your own capability. For example, in this story the main character didn’t belief she could give a good presentation, even though she had properly prepared it.

You have physical symptoms and think that everyone will notice. People with Social Anxiety are very worried about other people noticing their physical symptoms. They are afraid that others will see them as weird or strange.

You minimize positive feedback. If you get positive feedback you will usually not accept it, because you’re focussing more on your mistakes then on your general performance.

You maximize the negative consequences. You think that if you make a mistake, others will react really heavily in response. For example, you might think that they don’t want to see you anymore or as the main character in this story, that you will be fired.

In which situations do people with Social Anxiety feel anxious?

If you have Social Anxiety there are many different situations in which you might feel anxious or nervous. Especially situations in which you can be judged or in which you’ll be evaluated like the following:

Meeting new people
Being in groups
Speaking in public
Being the center of attention
Asking questions or giving their opinion
Talking on the phone
Talking to people of authority (professors, boss)
Being watched while doing something

Many people with Social Anxiety avoid social situations. They simply don’t go or they invent an excuse like “I’m feeling tired” or “I’m busy”. Sometimes this is not even a conscious decision. They feel that they’re unmotivated, but don’t recognize this feeling as Social Anxiety.

Common thoughts in people with Social Anxiety

I don’t match up to him/her. People with Social Anxiety commonly compare themselves to other people. They think that they’re less smart, less beautiful, or less funny than other people. These thoughts add to their anxiety.
Anything I say will sound stupid. This is a common thought in people with Social Anxiety. They fear, without reason, that they are unable to make a smart or nice comment and that others will see them as stupid or incapable.
They won’t like me. People with Social Anxiety usually think that others have really high expectations of them. They think that they have to “perform” perfectly, or else they won’t be liked. This level of perfection is hardly reached because of their high standards. That’s why these thoughts cause even greater fear in people with Social Anxiety
I’ll get nervous and everyone will notice. People who suffer from Social Anxiety have the thought that they’re transparent to others. That is, they think that others can see if they’re relaxed or nervous. Of course, others can notice when you’re feeling nervous or stressed, but people with Social Anxiety think that everybody will notice and that they will think negatively of them because of this.

How can Social Anxiety be treated?

Social Anxiety can be treated with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, integrative therapy, or medication.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the most effective psychotherapy for Social Anxiety. It helps you to challenge negative thoughts, to change your behaviour and to learn social skills, in order to feel less anxious and more confident. When treated with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Social Anxiety has a good prognosis.

The integrative therapy that I use combines techniques of CBT with a profound and exhaustive analysis of the cause of your anxiety. You won’t only learn how to manage anxiety but we will also work on its causes. This approach makes sure that the anxiety is less likely to come back and it’s even possible to cure it completely.

A psychiatrist can prescribe you medication, like antidepressants (SSRI’s). This can help to reduce the symptoms of you anxiety and to give you more confidence. However, medication can cause you side effects, and after you stop taking them, usually their effect remits.

Social Anxiety is common in most of us.

If you suffer from it, even though it’s just every once in a while, it’s good to know that therapy can help you to feel more confident in social situations.

If you would like to know more about how I can help you to feel more confident, you can contact me through the contact page or call me on: + 34 616 341 631.

Also, please share your opinion about this post in the comments!

How to fight loneliness in your new country

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Lisette Zeeuw — Leave a reply

Life as an expat can be difficult. You’re in another country, away from your friends and family and in a new work environment. However, the most difficult part of being an expat can be the loneliness. Not having someone at home waiting for you, missing your friends and family, not knowing anyone in your neighbourhood… It can all make you feel disconnected and isolated. But this does not have to be this way. In this blog post I explain how to fight it and how to expand your social circle.

How to fight loneliness and expand your social circle

When you’re feeling lonely your first response might be to think that you might have made the wrong choice moving, or to buy a plane ticket for the next plane home. But don’t worry, even though it might seem tough in the beginning, you can build a social circle again soon by following the next tips:

Be kind to yourself when you’re feeling lonely

It is important to be kind to yourself when you’re feeling lonely. You are in another country, another culture, and without your routine support. It is normal to feel lonely and you’re not the only one who feels this way, so be nice to yourself. Allow yourself to be sad or to feel homesick, and do something you like to cheer yourself up.

Join a group

The best way to meet people and to start feeling better is to join a group. You can join a group related to your hobbies like running, knitting, hiking, photography, or join a local sports club. But also there are many groups that just gather in order to meet new people. Try to find a group you feel comfortable with and try out several different ones. Good platforms to get to know people with similar interests are:

Meetup. An online site where people organize all kinds of activities. If your favorite activity is missing, you can even create your own meetup group.
Internations. Internations is an online expat community that organizes monthly events for both locals and expats to meet new people. Also, there are several groups like the salsa dancing group or the local food lovers group that you can join to engage in weekly activities.
FaceBook groups. FaceBook groups is a great place to meet people. There are many expat and local FaceBook groups that organize meetings and activities. Just type expat + the name of your new city/country and see what pops up.

Learn the local language

Learning the local language can help to fight loneliness in two ways: first of all when you learn a language at a language school, there are other students. When I moved to Barcelona I got many of my first contacts through the language school and some of them are still very good friends!

Also, learning the language can help you to feel more integrated. By being able to talk to locals, you might not only have more social contact, it might also open doors to unexpected friendships. Many people are scared when they speak in a foreign language, but don’t worry. Locals will appreciate your efforts and lend you a hand when you’re stuck. Moreover, if you don’t get something feel free to ask, I still learn new words and expressions every day by just asking.

Talk to local store owners

An important part of fighting loneliness is to feel part of the local community. When you start visiting local store owners instead of chain stores, you do not only show good faith to the local community, but also you get to know local people. Having some small talk might not seem crucial now but it can definitely help towards feeling more integrated on the long run. Just the fact of being greeted or smiled at by the baker or newspaper guy can make your day and you might even get great connections out of it.

Meet your neighbours

Many people are scared to meet the neighbors. However, meeting the neighbors does not have to be a scary thing. Why not host an open house day for all the neighbors of your block or flat? Also, you could throw a note through the doors of your neighbors in which you invite them over for a coffee. And if you’re really brave you could ring the bell and introduce yourself. Meeting the neighbors can be great, not only for doing activities together. It can also be useful when you have a problem or if you’re going on holidays. And don’t forget, this way your neighbors might feel less lonely too!

Do the things that make you feel at home

It is important that your new country will feel as your home. So take some time to decorate your house with things you like and make you feel comfortable. Take a subscription to your favorite newspaper. Take a pet if you’re a pet lover. All these things might seem trivial but coming home to a house that feels yours, can do a great job in fighting loneliness.

Have a backup plan

Sometimes loneliness will hit you hard even though you’ve done your best to prevent it. Don’t let yourself get surprised by it and make a backup plan.Try to make a list of things to do, ir order to feel better when you’re feeling lonely. Things to include on the list could be the following: calling a friend through Skype that always manages to cheer you up, go outside to take a walk, do your favorite sport or hobby, ask a colleague to have dinner together or any other thing that might make you feel better than you do now.

Summarizing, the expat life can be difficult and lonely but it doesn’t have to be. There are many things you can do to feel better. Please feel free to share your tips and experiences.

If you feel like you’re struggling you can always call me at +34 616 341 631 or make an appointment through the contact form.