Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Archives - Lisette Zeeuw M.Sc.

Why 1 out of 4 women can’t orgasm and how to overcome this

Posted on May 18, 2015 by Lisette Zeeuw — 4 Comments ↓

I think that all women should have the chance to experience an orgasm. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

Research shows that at least 25% of all women have an orgasm dysfunction (inability to reach orgasm). I think that’s sad. We all deserve to be able to orgasm!

So how is it that so many women are not able to orgasm? What makes it difficult for them to reach this ultimate pleasure? There are many different causes that can play a role in not being able to orgasm. In this article I’ll share the most common causes with you, and how to overcome them.

The myths of masturbation. Many people still think that masturbation is wrong or dirty, or that you can get diseases from it. This is absolutely not true! Masturbation is completely healthy. It can help you to discover your body and find out what you like. This can help you to reach orgasm and to experience greater pleasure during sex. Solo, it can be easier to come since you can control the stimulation and intensity. Also, you can use your masturbation experience to explain your partner what you like. So if you’re trying to reach an orgasm: try to masturbate more often!

Focus on the vagina, not clitoris. Many women think they can only get an orgasm through penetration, or that vaginal orgasms are superior to clitoral orgasms. It is important to know that most women are unable to reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation. Clitoral stimulation is way more effective in order to reach orgasm. This is because the clitoris has way more nerve endings than the vaginal wand, and therefore is way more sensitive.
Also, vaginal orgasms are actually created by clitoral stimulation. Huh? Yes, the clitoris is rather big and the back of the clitoris can be stimulated from the inside of the vagina. Vaginal orgasms are therefore caused by clitoral stimulation as well. So the short story of this is: if you want to have a bigger chance to get an orgasm; focus on the clitoris!

Lack of knowledge. Most women who have problems to reach orgasm have little knowledge about their body and their needs. Do you know where your clitoris is? And your urethra? And does your partner? A good way to gain more knowledge about your body is to check your genitals in a mirror. Try to check the different shapes and parts. You could also touch them to see the differences in sensitivity and pleasure they give you. Take the time to discover yourself. Another question that I hear a lot is: “How do I find my clitoris”?: A good trick to find the clitoris is to draw a line with your finger, from your belly button downwards. When you reach a soft round bump, you’ve found your clitoris!

Thinking it is wrong to masturbate in a relationship. Many people think it is wrong to masturbate when you’re in a relationship. However, this is not true. Masturbation is very normal in a relationship. About 85% of men and 45% of women masturbate in a relationship. Some people find it exciting to see their partner masturbate, so it can even be a nice addition to your sex life. Also, masturbation can improve your sexual desire and can be a healthy way to deal with a partner who has a lower desire than you.

Thinking more about your partner than about you. Most people think a lot about their partner’s pleasure when they’re having sex. Of course this is great. It’s a great gift to give pleasure to your partner. However, for women it’s very important to focus on themselves in order to get an orgasm. So when you notice you’re getting more excited try to focus completely and utterly on yourself for a while. Just enjoy the sensations and pleasurable feelings. This is not being selfish, it’s enjoying the pleasure your partner is giving you!

Pain. This is a really important cause for woman failing to reach orgasm. Many women have or have had sex when they were not (yet) physically ready for it. This can be painful and can cause your muscles or vagina to become tense in anticipation of pain in further occasions. I want to say here that you should never ever experience pain during sex, since it beats all purposes.
So how do I prevent pain? Foreplay is an important factor here. On average, women need about 20-30 minutes of excitement and foreplay to be wet and swollen enough. This surprises many people, especially men, which is probably why only 22% of the people take their time for foreplay. Wait until you’re ready. Sex shouldn’t be painful, ever! You could also try a lubricant. A lubricant can help to make everything go more smoothly, and can enhance pleasure. If the pain doesn’t go away it’s recommendable to see a gynaecologist or a sex therapist.

Inability to let go. Many women have the idea that letting go of themselves is “slutty”, or they’re afraid of what their partner might think of them when they let go. Enjoying sex is not in any way slutty. Many partners actually love it when you let go. If you have a partner who comments on this or doesn’t make you feel sexually free, consider to discuss this with him. In order to let go, try to focus on what you’re feeling and doing. Try to enjoy all the sensations and if any negative thoughts comes up try to focus again on what you’re doing.

Focus on the genitals and the genitals only. Many men and women only focus on the genitals while trying to make their partners orgasm. Luckily though, there are many more erogenous zones on the body. For many women it is highly pleasurable to be touched/kissed on the thighs, ears, neck, hands, lips, feet, butt, and on the inside of the arms. Being kissed and touched on these other zones of your body can increase your pleasure and tension, and can bring you closer to an orgasm.

Not being able to say what you like to your partner. Many people feel afraid of telling their partner what they like. They’re afraid their partner might think they have weird taste or that it “breaks the mood”. But think about it, by not telling your partner what you like, he will just do what he thinks is best! He might miss out on certain spots or he might not stimulate you with the right intensity. Don’t be afraid of telling your partner what you like. Many partners find it helpful when their partner guides them a little bit. There are even partners who find it exciting to see a woman who knows what she wants.

In summary:

Try to masturbate more often.
Focus on your clitoris.
Sex shouldn’t be painful, ever!
Take your time for foreplay.
Take the time to discover yourself.
Masturbating in a relationship is normal.
Try to let go.
Try out all the erogenous zones of the body.

Everyone can orgasm!

Even though it sometimes might seem difficult or impossible to orgasm it’s good to know that everyone is able to. I hope this post has helped you to gain some ideas on the causes and possible solutions to reach orgasm.

If you feel like you’re struggling and you would like to know more, feel free to contact me through the contact page or call me: + 34 616 341 631.

How can I Improve my Quality of Sleep?

Posted on April 27, 2015 by Lisette Zeeuw — 2 Comments ↓

Do you ever wake up feeling like you haven’t slept at all? Is your sleep not refreshing? This might indicate that you’re having a problem with your Quality of Sleep. In my recent post: “How to make an end to your Insomnia”, I explained how you can stop the vicious circle of insomnia.

In this post I’ll cover how to maintain good sleeping habits or “sleep hygiene”.

Even though we sleep one-third of our life, many people don’t know what they have to do to sleep well. In this article I’ll therefore explain how you can improve your Quality of Sleep.

Go to bed on the same time of the day, every day

Our body is quite sensitive to changes in schedules, especially with regard to sleeping schedules. Pick a moment on the day in which you are normally sleepy and stick to it. It can also help to start a sleeping ritual (for example, read something, take a hot shower or bath, dressing your pajama’s, brush your teeth etc.) in order for your body to get ready for sleeping. You will see how your body will prepare you for bedtime, by lowering your body temperature and closing your eyelids more and more. All this helps you in order to fall asleep better and more deeply.

Reject sleeping medication

Sleeping medication is highly addictive and has a lot of negative side effects. Sleep medication will leave you drowsy during the day, and it’s not effective in improving your quality of sleep in the long run. If you need sleeping aids, you could discuss melatonin supplements with your doctor. Melatonin supplements can reset your biological clock and can help you to fall asleep. They have no negative side effects, and are part of our natural sleep-wake system.

There are cases in which sleep medication is necessary,for example in the case of psychosis or temporary severe sleep disturbances. However, sleep medication should always be prescribed by a doctor and for a period of 2 weeks or less. If this is not the case it is better to stay away from sleep medication or to discuss your medication with your doctor again.

Leave your worries to a journal

When you go to bed with your head full of memories from the past day, it can be difficult to fall asleep. Also, you might dream restlessly. Journaling can be a great way to organise your thoughts and leave your worries behind. When you write something down you have to bring structure to what happened to you. This can already help you to make more sense of it and let it go.

Exercise during the day

It has been shown in various scientific studies that exercising during the day improves our sleep. Exercise helps in releasing the stress hormone cortisol from your body, which makes it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep. Try to exercise at least 3 hours before going to bed, so you avoid having to go to bed excited.

Excercising helps to push out the stress hormone cortisol of your body, thereby improving your Quality of Sleep.

Make sure you get enough sunlight

We humans are like plants. When we don’t get enough sunlight during the day, we don’t feel well.This is caused by a lack of Vitamin D and melatonin. Melatonin is especially important for a good night of sleep, since it regulates when you get tired and if you can sleep throughout the night. Your doctor can give you information on vitamin D and melatonin supplements if necessary. Also, if you live in area with a lack of sunlight you can consider buying a day-light therapy lamp.

However, the best way to procure you gain enough sunlight is to be outside at least for 30 minutes a day. This even works if the sun is not shining because there is still more light intensity (lux) than when we stay inside. When you’re outside try to roll up you’re sleeves so the sun can touch your skin directly (obviously you can apply sun screen beforehand).

Avoid caffeine after 2 pm

Caffeine takes 8 hours to get out of our blood. This means that if you drink a cup of coffee around 8pm, your brain will be more active until 4am at night! This is why drinking caffeine after 2pm is not a good idea if you want to improve your quality of sleep. If you’re a coffee lover, try decaf coffee.

Do a relaxing activity before going to sleep

We have a tendency of not stopping nowadays, but your body needs some time to wind off before going to bed. You can read a book, take a bath, get a relaxing massage or do a relaxation exercise.

Winding off by doing a relaxing activity like reading can help us to calm down before going to bed.

Avoid alcohol or marihuana as an aid to fall asleep

Drinking alcohol or smoking marihuana to fall asleep is like putting a band-aid on a flat tire. It might help you temporarily to fall asleep, but during the night you will wake up more frequently and your REM-sleep will be interrupted. Therefore it is important to limit alcohol to one to two drinks per day and marihuana to one or two joints per week, or less, and to avoid drinking and smoking within three hours of going to bed.

Don’t eat heavy meals before going to bed

Heavy meals take a long time to digest. During digestion, the body spends energy on processing the meal, and moving it forward through the body. This process interferes with our sleep. The fatter and heavier the meal, the longer it takes. If you eat a heavy meal, avoid doing this within two hours of going to bed.

Get pets out of the bedroom

It is very cute to have your pet sleeping on your feet, belly, or back. However, having pets in the bedroom disrupts your sleep, and makes you wake up more often. If you can, try to keep your pets out of the bedroom.

Don’t try to fall asleep while listening to music or the television

Even though calming music or the television can help you to calm down, it interferes with your quality of sleep by preventing you to reach the deeper sleep stages. The deepest sleep stages are most important to help us recover during the night. Listening to some soft music before going to bed can be a good idea though.

Listening to some relaxing soft music before going to bed can be part of your sleeping ritual. Avoid music while going to sleep though

Practice a relaxation technique

Relaxation techniques are awesome! They help you to reduce anxiety and stress, and they’re a great help in calming down before going to bed. You can try to take deep and slow abdominal breaths, or do some yoga or meditation exercise.

Quality of sleep can be more important than quantity of sleep. That’s why I wrote this article. I hope you’ll find these tips helpful and that you will notice some improvement in your Quality of Sleep.

Please share the article with your friends and family :)!

Controlling the uncontrollable: Tips to reduce your Anger and Frustration

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Lisette Zeeuw — 2 Comments ↓

The STOP Action Plan is a really effective way of controlling your anger and expressing your needs. However, it’s better to prevent anger than to have to control it. Therefore, in what follows I will provide you with tips about how to prevent and reduce your Anger and Frustration.

Tips to reduce your Anger and Frustration

You can see your Anger and Frustration as water in a glass. Your glass can be filled up till a certain amount, until it will finally overflow. This is when we get angry.

Your glass gets filled up by everything that causes us to be stressed or frustrated.You could see these as faucets. Some people have more faucets than others and are therefore more likely to become angry. In the following tips I’ll explain how to close some of these faucets.

Tips to close some faucets:

Learn what your triggers are. Try to find out which things make you angry. When you recognise the situations you usually get angry in, you can stop yourself in time and carry out the STOP Action Plan. Also, you can avoid the situation getting out of hand. For example, if you notice you’re more likely to get angry at night because you’re tired, try to avoid discussions about important topics at night. Ask yourself the following questions:
When did I become angry? What happened? What did you think and feel in that moment? What did you do? What happened afterwards?

Change your expectations of others. Try not to expect others to act or behave in a certain way. We are not perfect, nor are others. It is important to think that other people cannot always meet our expectations. Just because they don’t do things the exact same way we would, or they react in a different way, it doesn’t mean they’re wrong. They might have learned things another way and to them their behavior is logical or useful.
Imagine someone would all of a sudden tell you to change the way to drive your car, or to cook your signature dish. You would probably tell them to get lost. That’s why we can’t expect others to do things the same way as we do. It can help to think that the other one is doing their best and that you’re not here to change the other.

Practice Empathy. When there’s someone you get angry with frequently, try to emphasize with him/her. Put yourself in her/his shoes and try to think why this person is acting this way. Did something happen to him/her today or in the past? Try to think about as many alternatives as you can. Not only will you win time before getting angry, you will also reduce your anger by understanding the other person better. You don’t have to agree with the other person, the goal is to understand them.

Focus on the solution. Sometimes we get so angry that we forget to focus on a solution. Think about what you would like to see different. Ask yourself if this is possible and how. Then, think about how you could come to this solution, and implement the first step if you can. This will probably make you feel more capable and more proud of yourself.

Tips to make some holes in the glass:

Practice relaxation as an antidote. Practicing relaxation can help both to reduce your anger in general as in specific situations. Progressive Muscle Relaxation and Abdominal (or Diaphragmatic) Breathing are effective techniques in reducing anger. Also, a warm bath or shower, or singing a song you like, can help to reduce feelings of anger.

Exercise to reduce stress. Exercise can help to tire the body and reduce stress. When we’re less stressed we’re less likely to act out on our anger or frustration. Also, exercise is a great mood booster so it will help you to feel better in general. Good exercising activities to reduce anger and frustration include running, cycling, swimming, dancing, and skating.

Keep a positive diary. If you are someone who get’s frustrated easily it’s possible that you focus on negative events, or that you have a negative view about yourself. Try to keep a diary of your accomplishments to change your focus on more positive events. Write down a minimum of 3 positive things about yourself or what you did every day.
You can write down small things like: “I managed to make that difficult phone call” or “even though the bus arrived late I could stay calm and focus on something else”, as well as big accomplishments like: “I told my friend that it bothered me that she usually arrives late without becoming rude to her” or “I managed to finish this important document at work”. If you keep it up you’ll notice that you’re able to interpret things in a more positive way.

Spend time with supportive people. Usually Anger or Frustration is not only the result of a specific situation, but also of a build-up of various frustrating events and stress. We therefore need ways of emptying our glass. What can really help is to share our frustrations with people who are supportive. In Dutch there is a saying that says: “Shared misery is half the misery”. Talking to someone else cannot only help you to feel better but also to gain a different perspective on things.

Spending time with people who make you feel supported helps to reduce anger

By closing some faucets and making some holes in the glass you’ll get a better grip on your Anger. Also, try to think about things that helped you in the past.

I know that dealing with Anger can be difficult and hope you found this tips helpful. If you liked this article please share it :)!

How to deal with Anger and Frustration: The complete guide

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Lisette Zeeuw — Leave a reply

Everyone knows what it feels like to be angry or frustrated. It’s that tension that you can’t shake off. It’s that uncontrollable temptation to let it all out. It can be good to express our anger. It shows others what we care about and it can be a motive for change. Unfortunately, we usually act in the heat of the moment. This causes us to do or say things that we didn’t want to. We hurt the ones we love or take it out on those people who deserve it the least. Afterwards, we feel like we’re a bad person, or we feel ashamed. And the worst part of it, is that our message doesn’t come through.

I know that it can be really difficult to control these feelings. Especially when you’re not feeling your best, it’s easy for anger or frustration to take over. When we’re feeling depressed, anxious, or stressed, it’s more difficult for us to regulate our emotions. We just don’t have that extra patience to protect us from being unnice or irritable. Luckily, you can train yourself to gain more control over your anger. If you want to know how to manage your anger, and express your needs without hurting others, this blog post is for you.

Why do we get angry or frustrated?

We get angry or frustrated when we see that our personal rules get broken. Everyone has its own set of values and rules. This personal rulebook gets established during our life and is based on our experiences. When these rules are rigid or are not very flexible it’s easier for us to become angry.

For example: if I think that everyone should be listening to me all the time, this can become a big source of frustration. Since it’s really hard for people to listen constantly, it’s quite likely that your rule will get broken. Thereby the chances of you getting angry or frustrated increase as well. That’s why our personal rules are an important cause of frustration and anger.

We also get angry when:

Other people don’t act the way we want them to. For example, when our personal rule is that after dinner the dishes need to be done, we get pissed-off when our partner/roommate doesn’t do this.

Unexpected things happen. We humans function by routine. This helps us to prepare ourselves, and to plan our day. When unexpected things happen we get confused, our plans might be disrupted, or we think that we’re not properly prepared. This is something that no-one likes and therefore causes frustration.

Someone hurts us. When someone says or does something that hurts us, our instinctive response is to get angry. Anger is a natural response to situations that threaten us, or our beloved ones. Of course behind this anger or rage lies our vulnerability. Many people don’t see or acknowledge this. However, sometimes we can get better results when we speak from our vulnerability. Later I’ll explain you more about this.

Anger and Frustration, irritability, Angry, Frustrated

Use the STOP Action Plan when you notice that you’re becoming Angry

What to do when you’re getting angry or frustrated: The STOP Action Plan

STOP! The most important thing to do when you notice you’re getting angry is to stop. When you act in the heat of the moment usually the outcome is not the way we want it to be. So give yourself some time. I know that stopping is more easily said than done. Some of the following tips might help:
1. Go to another room (if you’re in a restaurant go to the bathroom).
2. Ask for a break. If you already started to talk about the topic that makes you angry ask for a break. Tell the other one that you notice you’re getting angry and that you prefer to talk about it when you’re feeling calm again.
3. Take some deep breaths. Our mind and body are connected. When we relax our body we also get calmer mentally. Try to take some deep abdominal breaths.
Analyze the situation. It doesn’t end with a time-out. Now we have to analyze the situation. Why am I feeling angry exactly? What causes me to feel hurt or annoyed? Am I seeing things the way they are? What are the facts? Are there any alternative explanations to my interpretation?
Think about your goals. Think about what your goal is in the situation. What is it you want to reach when you express your frustration or anger? Sometimes when we fight we get the opposite result of what we want. For example: if your goal is to spend more quality time with our partner, it’s not a smart idea to start a fight on the household when you’re finally alone with him/her. Instead show that you appreciate this moment by saying something like “I loved our time together today. I would really like to do this more often”. Thinking about your goals can help you to decide on starting the fight or not, and to think what your anger is really about.
Try to be empathic. When other people are involved, being empathic can help us to calm down. By putting ourselves in the other person’s position we get a better understanding of the situation. Why didn’t he/she listen to you? Maybe he’s tired or maybe he had a crappy day. To you this might not seem a good excuse but think about it: How come the other is behaving the way he is? Have you ever felt this way? How did you behave? What did you most need in this moment?
Decide to act or not to act. Now that you’ve reflected on the situation you might have a better idea about what caused you to be frustrated or angry. Also, you might have discovered that the other one might have its reasons for acting the way he does. This information can help you to make a better decision about what to do. Is it worth it to start a fight? Will I be able to express my needs without hurting or offending the other one?
Act. If you decide to act, use the following tips to make sure your message gets along, without hurting the other one. If you decide not to act, try to say this to yourself “I’m not going to fight over this, it won’t get me anywhere”. By saying it you’ll be more likely to control yourself.

How to express your needs without offending others

Express needs, Angry, Frustrated, Anger, Frustration, Fights

Fights can have a positive outcome. Use the following tips to find out how.

Bring up one issue at a time. Only talk about the thing that matters to you. For example if you want to talk about the fact that you would like to go out more, don’t start about other issues like: “you’re also extremely lazy, you never do anything”, or “I don’t like the way you behave when we’re at my parents place”. This tends to make the other one angry as well, and you might get to hear all the things he/she doesn’t like about you instead of solving the issue.

Be brief and concise. Don’t go on ranting about why you’re angry and how bad it is what the other person has done. Instead be brief and describe exactly what bothers you. You can say something like: “when you do “this” (swear, shout at me, don’t do the groceries, don’t want to watch a movie with me etc.), I feel bad/sad/shocked” etc., or “This is something that bothers me because…”. Then end with “I wanted to talk about this with you and find a solution together.” “What do you think?”.

Let the other one respond. Give the other person a moment to respond. He/she can use this moment to explain himself, apologize, or offer a solution. Try to listen to what the other one has to say before you answer.

Use I-sentences instead of you-sentences. When we fight we tend to say things like “you’re cold” or “you’re irresponsible”. This makes other people more likely to feel offended. Try to say how the behavior of the other one affects YOU instead. For example: “It made ME feel sad when you forgot the appointment with my friends the other day”. By focusing on yourself the other one will be more open to what you have to say.

Don’t generalize. Don’t use words like “always” or “never” when you describe the other person’s behavior. No-one always behaves in the same way and by saying this you can make the other person angry. Instead use words like “sometimes”, or “in the weekend” to describe the frequency of the behavior.

Use your vulnerability. I know that this rule might sound difficult to many of you but it is one of the most effective tools there is. Try to tell the other one what you need and how you would feel if the other one would do this for you. This can be way more effective then when you blame the other one for not doing something. For example: saying that you would feel happier if your partner would ask you about your day will more likely get a positive response then saying “you never ask me about my day, you’re so uncaring”.

Look for a solution. Always try to look for solutions instead of focusing on the issue. Brainstorm about possible solutions with the other one. Try to settle on a compromise you both feel comfortable with. If you don’t find one straight away decide on another moment to talk about it.

Say thanks. Thank the other person for listening to you and for being willing to find a solution. This will increase the possibility that the other one will listen to you the next time you want to tell him/her something.

As you can see, anger does not have to control us. We can train ourselves to be calmer and at the same time express our needs without having to “take everything”.

Feel free to share your opinion about the tips and the STOP Action Plan. Also, if you have any questions about dealing with anger and frustration, please share them. I’ll gladly answer them.

If after reading this article you feel like you’re struggling and you would like to work on this, you can call me for a free 15-minute phone consultation on +34 626 653 339, or send an e-mail through the contact form.

How to make an end to your insomnia

Posted on January 8, 2015 by Lisette Zeeuw — 5 Comments ↓

Insomnia is a huge problem for many people. Not sleeping well can really ruin your day. Unfortunately when people have insomnia they usually take the wrong measures. In this blog post therefore I will give you advice on what to do to stop your insomnia and how to improve your sleep quality.

Insomnia is what keeps us awake at night

Alyssa L. Miller via Compfight

Why do I have insomnia?
Insomnia can have many different causes. Pain, worries, stress and apnea are among the most common ones. Usually what happens is that poor sleep starts a vicious cycle in which: poor sleep leads to worries about sleep, which in turn leads to ineffective measures, which finally leads to poor sleep.

Poor sleep. We all have a bad night of sleep every once in a while. What changes poor sleep into insomnia are the thoughts we have about not being able to sleep.
Worries about sleeping. When you sleep wrong once, it is easy to start worrying that next time you won’t sleep well either. Also, you might worry about how you will feel the next day or about things that might go wrong because of your lack of sleep.These thoughts actually make it more difficult to sleep and raise your anxiety level. This leads many people into taking measures.
Taking ineffective measures.Unfortunately these are usually not the most effective ones. For example, many people start checking the clock to see how much time they have been awake, which makes them even more worried. Others might start taking naps during the day “to make up for the bad night of sleep”, which actually causes them to have more trouble sleeping at night, because they’re not tired anymore. These ineffective measures complete the vicious circle of insomnia since they cause poor sleeping.

The vicious cycle of insomnia

It is important to know that whatever the cause of your insomnia is, you can do something about it:

What can I do when I don’t manage to fall asleep?
If you cannot fall asleep there are several things you can do:

Create your own sleeping ritual. It is important to prepare your body for the night and give it a sign that you’re going to bed. So try to create your own ritual before going to bed. You could include brushing your teeth, stretching your body, reading a book. Do this ritual every day before going to bed and you will see your yawns becoming more and more frequent around bed time.

Use your bed only for sleeping. This is an advice that many people find logical but hardly anyone complies with. How easy is it to have breakfast in bed, to watch a movie, to read a book… However, all these activities create a wrong association in the brain: they tell our brain that our bed is for staying awake. That’s why it’s extremely important not to use your bed for other activities than sleeping.

Use the 15 minutes-technique. The 15 minutes-technique is one of the most effective techniques to stop insomnia. It is based on breaking the connection of bed-awake and changing it into the healthy connection of bed-sleeping. It consists of the following steps:
1. Try to fall asleep.
2. If you don’t fall asleep within 15 minutes you get out of bed and you go to another room.
3. Once you’re in the other room, you engage in a boring activity like reading the dictionary or the encyclopedia until you feel sleepy.
4. When you feel sleepy you go back to bed. You try to fall asleep.
5. If you don’t fall asleep within 15 minutes, get out of bed and start another (or the same) boring activity. When you feel sleepy you go back to bed.
6. Repeat the steps until you fall asleep. Most people fall asleep within 1 or two cycles of the 15-minute technique. It’s used in all effective Cognitive Behaviour Therapy programs for insomnia. Try it!

Do not check your clock. Most people who suffer from insomnia check the clock all the time to see for how long they’ve been awake and how much time they can still sleep. Don’t do this! Watching the clock activates our brain, (especially the digital clocks) and causes you to stay awake instead of falling asleep.

Do not check your clock when you can’t sleep: it will only make you become more awake!

Change your thoughts. When you can’t sleep it’s easy to start thinking about how annoying it is that you’re unable to fall asleep, how crappy you’ll feel tomorrow, and how bad this important meeting will go because of this. At night the frontal part of our brain is less active, which causes our worries to run freely, without control. When this happens try to tell yourself that even though it might feel this way now, tomorrow the world will look different. Also, be a judge of your thoughts and try to think about days that you have been sleepy. Were you really unable to do anything? Was it that horrible?

Improve your surroundings. Try to make sure your sleeping conditions are optimal. So make sure your bed is comfortable, your mattress is soft (or tough as you prefer), and your pillow gives you the right support. Make sure the temperature in the room is about 16-18 degrees, warmer or colder makes it difficult to fall asleep. Also, prevent daylight from coming into your room, it causes our body to wake up, even though we don’t want to. And last but not least, make sure you don’t hear noise in your room, wear ear plugs if necessary.

So as you can see, there are many things you can do if you suffer from insomnia.

Please let me know what you think about the tips and which ones work best for you! Also, if you have any tips please share!

What is Depression? And how can I feel better?

Posted on January 20, 2014 by Lisette Zeeuw — Leave a reply

In nowadays society Depression is a more common phenomenon than it used to be. Actually, 16,5% of the population will develop a depression at some moment in his life. The possibility that you or somebody you know has a depression in this moment, or might develop it in the future is really big. In this blog post we explain what a depression is, and what you can do if you are or know someone with a depression.

Depression is way more common than you might think.

What is a Depression?
A depression is a period in your life in which you feel sad or down during most of the time, you are low on energy and/or you feel less motivated. You can also experience any of the following symptoms:

Sleepiness or insomnia (inability to fall asleep).
Loosing or gaining weight (more than 5 kilos) due to either low or increased appetite.
Loosing interest in activities that you used to like
Feeling negative toward oneself including feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt.
Difficulty with concentration or making decisions
Feeling hopeless or helplessness
Loss of sexual desire or lack of interest in sexual activity.
Having suicidal thoughts (thoughts about ending your life). If you experience suicidal thoughts; do not wait to look for professional help, contact a professional immediately.
Feelings of irritability or restlessness

If you´re experiencing several of this symptoms for more than 2 weeks it’s possible that you’re suffering from a depression.

Why do I feel Depressed?

You can feel depressed for several reasons. You might have suffered a negative experience, you might keep on having the same negative thoughts popping up in your head or you might suffer from a depression that has a (partly) biological base.

Depression is a natural response to negative experiences like unemployment, a break-up, loss of people or things we love, a financial setback, or even a move to a different neighborhood or country. Other factors that may cause depression include trouble having and keeping social relationships or not being able to find a solution to the difficulties we experience.
Depression is also related to negative thoughts. Negative thoughts can make us feel bad. You might have certain negative thoughts about yourselve or others that keep on popping up and make you feel miserable. In therapy a psychologist can help you to change negative thoughts into more positive and helpful ones.
Furthermore depression can have a biological base. Low levels of Serotonine and Dopamine in the brain may predispose us to develop a depression. For more information check this website about the biological base of depression.

What can I do if I have a Depression?

A lot of people ask themselves what they should do when they discover they are depressed. Even though it is a good idea to reach out to talk about your feelings with someone you trust, it is also important to go see a health professional.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the most effective therapy there is for Depression.

A cognitive behavioral psychologist can help you identify the cause of why you are feeling this way and can help you to feel better as soon as possible. Instead of giving direct advise or explaining personal stories as friends or family might do, a psychologist will listen to you objectively and will try to get more information so they can help you the best he can.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is currently the most effective therapy there is for depression.The majority of people suffering from depression experience considerable relief within 3 or 4 weeks of effective treatment, and long-lasting relief within 3 to 6 months of treatment (www.abct.org).
Don’t wait to long too look for help! Many people wait too long before they start a treatment, and suffer longer than necessary! Don’t be that person and get help as soon as you notice that you are depressed! You deserve to feel better!

The majority of people suffering from depression experience considerable relief from depression within 3 or 4 weeks of Cognitive Behavioral treatment, and long-lasting relief within 3 to 6 months of treatment .

If you would like to know more about depression or if you would like to make an appointment and see how I can help you to feel better, feel free to contact me.

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Lisette Zeeuw
Clinical Psychologist in Barcelona

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Posted on January 15, 2014 by Lisette Zeeuw

A lot of people nowadays might have heard of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. For others this blog post might be their first contact with this therapy. But what is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy really? What’s the difference with other therapies? Do clients still lie on a sofa? Is therapy still a process that lasts for years? Find out the answers to these questions in this blog post.

“Couch therapy”, does it still happen or is it out of fashion?

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a form of treatment that focuses on examining the relationships between thoughts, feelings and behaviors. In CBT, clients learn specific skills that they can use in their daily lives. These skills involve identifying negative thoughts and changing them into more positive ones, relating to others in different ways, and changing behavior.

What is different about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, first invented by Aaron Beck is one of the most researched and most effective psychotherapies. It’s a short-term, goal directed, focused on the here-and-now therapy. This means that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a therapy that:

Can be effective in months (instead of years in other approaches).

Focusses on the problems you currently experience. So in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you don´t just talk about your past anymore. Instead you actively work on the problems you want to solve.

The CBT psychologist, that’s me :), works together with you as a team, in order to reach your goals. Both the psychologist and you will take an active role in the treatment process.

An important part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is homework. Don’t expect complicated math problems though. Some examples of homework are: monitoring your thoughts, reading a chapter of a book that’s related to your problem or practicing a relaxation exercice. Homework gives you the possibilty to practice what we’ve worked on in the session at home.

So to answer the question we made before:

Psychotherapy is not just lying on a sofa anymore. It’s an active goal-directed therapy that focuses on the here-and-now.

So how is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy able to help people?

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you learn new tools to cope with your problems, and new ways of thinking, in order to feel better.

A cognitive behavioral psychologist helps you to identify the cause of why you are feeling this way and give you the support and guidance you need.

Instead of giving direct advice or explaining personal stories, as friends or family might do, a psychologist will listen to you objectively and he will try to get more information so he can help you the best he can. The therapy sessions will be your moment of personal attention, reflection and working on solving your problems.

The psychologist will help you to gain resources and strategies you need in order to feel beter.

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you learn how to challenge your thoughts and change them into more helpful and positive ones. This can help you to feel better and to cope better with difficult situations!

Why change the way I think?

The way we think affects in great amount how we feel. When we have a negative thought about something, it can change the way we feel and act. For example, when you see your friend on the street and he doesn’t say “hi” to you, you might think “he doesn’t want to see me”. This might cause you to feel sad, and even to not meet with him again or to feel awkward when you’re with him.

So, as you can see, this single negative thought you had, can have an important impact on your mood and behaviour. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you can learn how to challenge your thoughts and change them into more helpful and positive ones. This will in turn, affect both your mood and behavior positively, and will help you to feel better.

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you learn how to question and change negative thoughts into more adaptive thoughts.

Our thoughts influence how we feel and behave. Learning how to change them into more adaptive thoughts, can help you to feel better!

How effective is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive Behavioral therapy has been found to be effective in more than 1000 outcome studies for depression, anxiety, insomnia, and eating disorders, among others, and it is currently being tested for personality disorders.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has also been proven to be effective for certain medical disorders such as: irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, hypertension, fibromyalgia, post-myocardial infarction depression, noncardiac chest pain, cancer, diabetes, migraine, and other chronic pain disorders.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is also effective in reducing stress, low self-esteem, grief and loss, work-related problems and problems associated with aging.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is as effective as medication, with the benefit that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has more lasting effects, even after you quit therapy.The ultimate goal is for you to be able to be your own therapist and to learn how to help yourself.

If you would like to know more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or if you would like to make an appointment, feel free to contact me.

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